Searching Internalities
Tuesday, June 22, 2004
Its been a month since I have written here. Lots has happened and lots has changed, but I`m still the same person. I will say the Mr. Big and I are still together, virtually, but still together, we are planning a trip to see each other in October. Lets see if our budget allows this trip. I`m sure God provides for all :O)
To answer Muskrat….yes, I have been dancing around, no not naked…not on a table, but in the various clubs back home. Yes, I’m back home, in my parents house….hundreds or thousands of kilometers away from Boston and Mr Big. Its been quite a change being here because of the differences between united states and third world Latin American countries. Yes, its exotic, yes its beautiful, yes I can breathe fresh air and yes, my family is here. So, what’s missing? My independence. I am back to having to say where I am going, with whom and why. After two years of doing my own thing. Its difficult, not as easy as some might think. I already told my parents once that I was leaving the house, but that was in a rage of furry so I don’t think they took me seriously. I sort of was serious, but not now. I have no money to do so…oh well. Life and growing up involves patience. That’s my new motto, “the best things comes to those that wait” ok, I can do that….I hope.
Temptation hits the fan..again…this hot guy…and I mean HOT guy I met last year in may is haunting again. Looks like he came from the California to my country..again, this time for 3 months and has asked around for my phone number. Hmmm, its hard to be faithful…very very hard. Specially with such a fine specimen of a man as he is. I could tell you all he looks like an underwear model, one of those you wish wasn`t wearing the underwear but just himself…carnal thoughts assault my mind. Memories of what happened last year with him. Its was a three day weekend on a beach. I met him a friday night and by sunday was seeing the sun rise with him. It was a 72 hour affaire…wonderful….but did not end in consummation…just enough to raise passion. I wonder what I left him thinking. I know what he left me thinking….
Seconds is sometimes better than firsts :O)
Monday, June 21, 2004
Back again.....
wow..one month out of the blogging world. Thanks for your wonderful comments on my last post...
Hope to stay regular again....Will be consuming blog fiber daily ;O)
Saturday, May 22, 2004
Back to life...back to reality...
This has been a very hectic week of running around, not naked as I wish it to be, but instead trying to organize my belongings, take care of my parents who came for graduation and say good bye to friends and professors all at once. Phew!
Countdown to graduation is very different from my undergrad, where more drinking was involved. Instead, its a more calm and controlled "saying goodbye". Men of course were in the picture, I thank my lucky stars I can actually say no, instead og having to round them up in some bar and drag them home. But psycho-analytical man is still insistent...poking fun at Mr. Big and bragging about beautiful weather in California that's unheard of in Boston. Ok, fine, enjoy your weather. I have no problem with that. I actually received a postcard yesterday from Mr. Big :O) It was so nice, all the way from around the world! I miss him, but its kind of weird, to have sworn off long-distance relationships in public and now contradict myself.....for the second time in a row. It's going to sound childish, but I feel a bit uneasy about people knowing of how many boyfriends I have. Bakc home its just such a conservative country, very different from US. I think its like returning to my golden cage...and seeing the wonderful freedom tat just in front of me, what I have been tasting for these past two years, and now suddenly its all going away. I can only compare this to Dani Rodrik and how he says that once a country liberalizes it economy, it can't go back...you can't stuff a genie back into the bottle...no you can't, it's true. But I will have to adjust and wait for it all. The second in the scene was a classmate...another one, who on Saturday tried the "guess who's happy to see you and feel your ass" thing, meaning thhat he got behind me and started to rub his dick on butt to see if I was horny enough to go with him. I was dying within, pretending as if nothing was happeneing and just kept ordering my drink. I mean, what can you say? Sorry, I've felt better dicks against my butt? That's sort of rude...and to tell you the truth, my body responded more quickly than I wanted. I could feel myself get wet as soon I as I noticed it happen, but my mind was quick to block out my central nervous system and numb my senses. I just replayed in my mind everything that Mr. Big and I shared. It's worth being faithful.
With my parents here, I havent really told them everything about Mr. Big. I mean, its kind of ackward. They now I am dating him and all, but they of course do not know my sleeping with him or anything. And today my father was criticizing one of my flatmates because her boyfriend is living in the apartment and sleeps with her. I could only think, if you knew your daughter has been with 4 men already, and has fucked each one silly. I don't want to give my father a heartattack and I also don't want to dissapoint him. I'd rather dissapoint myself.
Monday, May 17, 2004
And I'd give up forever to kiss you...
I just saw City of Angels. I'm the crying type at movies. I know, many people hate that but I just can't help myself. As soon as the song would be played and Nicholas Cage and Meg Ryan were close, the tears would just start rolling.
SOmething strange has been passing my mind these couple of days. What would happen if I told you that I think I found out how I will be in ten years? Yes, its strange but very likely. You see, I live with four other girls, each of us very different in personality, taste, food, time schedules, studies and well, anything else you can imagine! That's what I thought at least. Over the past month, I have become more close with my flatmate, the one whose wall is also my wall (we share a wall that divides our room) so you could say i end up hearing everything that goes on in her room and likewise. You could say we are the two most liberal of our flat. SHe is about 10 years older than me but she refuses to say her age. I don't know how, but it dawned on me that she is like a time machine to my future. Even our brothers have the same name, our parents have the same personalities, we are very similar even in our body shape. But, we are from different countries and cultures, but that doesn't stop us being so shockingly same. She is still single with no children. My psycho-analytical man (no, not you gongli) predicted a first marriage divorce for me ( second psychologist to do so) and well looking into her life, it becomes even more likely. Am I scared? Yes, its kind of like someone telling you what year you will die...you don't know the exact day or time, but have an idea about what will happen. ALthough, in spite of all of this, I don't want to tie my expectations and dreams to what I can become, but instead to what I want to become....but I need to figure out the last part.
Sunday, May 16, 2004
My respect for americans has increased this past weekend. I have seen men and women sweat, sore, blister, walk under heat and rain, sprain ankles, get bruises and just about tire themselves out from walking 40 miles over two days. I was a volunteer at one of those walk-a-thons that many times are disrespected as an "inefficient" way to raise funds for a cause. True, someone giving out a check for the thousands of dollars raised would be easier, but that just probably wouldn't happen. I heard sotires of how they raised the money. One was a school teacher who had 2 of her first-grade students put together a lemonade stand and raise 13 dollars. Instead of buying a new toy, they gave it to her for the cause. Another put on a wild night in a bar where all proceeds went to fundraising. They all made their mark and tried to make a difference.
On a lighter night, last night I partied first at a house party and then went to a bar with a group of 5 guys I go to school with. We were only two girls. One of the guys had an awful habit of rubbing up next to you and trying to "feel you up"...you know, when guys like put their arm around your waist or grab your arm, or pass by really close to you. I just stayed clear from him! One of the guys, he's really sweet, so I just talked to him all night. His name will be "Mr. White Russian": sweet man, has a kick in it, but lacks a real punch. It's horrible of me, because I know he has a crush on me, but he's not my type. You see, one starts to find a trend in guys, they always for the same "prototype" woman. So I fall into the category of "hispanic curvy women" lovers. He is one of those men in love with the latin culture and beleives he will go live there for the rest of his life. Good for him.
Mr. Big hasn't written back. Trust. Inmylife hit it on the spot. I trust him and want him to trust me. You see, until now I am discovering men. In high school, I suffered the "ugly duckling" syndrome. Thats when my masters came along and so did sex...so did men...so did love, along with many other things. Studying gives you a wealth of knowledge. I know from reasing other blogs that I'm not the only one out there that has just finished studying or still in the process of it.
Can you hear me know? (sorry, the cell phone is ringing)....
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
My lack of sleep is finally getting to me. After pulling two all-nighters working the grave-yard shift to get some extra cash, my body is aching. I have had about 10 hours sleep these past three days. Its the worst way to get your body angry at you, screaming for attention.
Mr. Big called during those 10 hours I slept, waking me up at 5:30am. How could I be mad? I groogly talked with him about how everything is going along and how much I miss him. He did most of the talking though. We have a 15 hour time difference. My brain right now is spacing out, not letting me think clear thoughts. I forgot what I was going to say.
N called to ask if I would spend the night in Miami. No, I won't. Just like FSG and Techieidiot said: Trust is the most important factor in long distance relationship. We both have to make decisions and work step by step towards our goal.
I have never explained why the background (Dali's picture). I feel like this picture, Galatea of the Spheres, searching for myself. That's the reason for the name of this blog. Its a continous process.
Oh, I reached the 1000 mark :O) Thank you all! Hugs...good night.
Sunday, May 09, 2004
I make decisions, we all make decisions everyday. What to wear, what to say, where to go, who to be with. I am not going to stay in Miami overnight, but just fly out the next. We have a saying in spanish that goes "the just sin in an open opportunity". Staying there would only mean me sleeping with one or the other. Its best to avoid temptation all together. I just finished seeing "Ghost". I would never understand why he would say "ditto" in every email and when he would say goodbye. He couldn't believe I had forgotten that line from the movie. It had been so long since I had seen it. My flatmates were making wise-crack jokes while I was just thinking about him the whole movie. I couldn't believe how they could make a romantic movie seem like a Police Academy flick....~sigh~
A long distance relationship is hard, I had promised myself to never have another one, but Mr. Big proved me wrong. Any tips from LTR long distance survivors? Hugs to all of you tonight, wherever you are...
Saturday, May 08, 2004
The smell of freedom! No more papers, no more classrooms, no more teachers. Last night was the first of many goodbye parties to come to us graduates. This was held in a dorm room that had a ping pong table and hockey table and that table where you play soocer with plastic men and horizontal bars..I don't know the name of it but it's the table destroyed on the last episode of Friends.
I got a bit drunk after 3 beers and no dinner. I started to tell jokes, laugh and just talk to anyone who came near me. I remeber passing the fire department and thinking...wow, those are some hot men (no pun intended!!). If it wasn't for the fact I had two guy friends with me, I would have stopped to say hello :O)
Life kind of pushes you to temptation. My flight was changed so instead of leaving with my parents, I will leave a day after...and spend one night in Miami! Guess who lives in Miami? Old lover and N. Wow, it sounds very tempting, since I will be spending the night at N's house :O) Hmmm, somehow monogamy doesn't sound as appealing as when Mr. Big was next to me. I think I need to really see what I want from all this and what I am willing to have and not have from life....right now, I want lunch..stomach's growling.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
Ahh, stuck at the university finishing my last final exam for my masters program and then...I shall be done, no more studying (ok, for the next couple of years at least). Thrilled and yet worried. I have studied for almost all of my life. Now what? Work? Oh, I had forgotten that was the end to all of the knowledge building. Hmmm, guess going into the real world will be a shock, but a fun one as my budget will increase from negative numbers to a positive cash flow :O)
Last night I received a phone call. No, not Mr. Big, not Old Lover, not Ex-cute classmate, not Poetman, not shy guy...but from my Psycho-analytical Man. Hmm, took me a while to give him his name. He is a full fledged psychologist who has fun analyzing me...and the fact he has a crush on me, not a fun, sexy one, but more of a "lets procreate little ones" type. He sees me as the mother of his children. Funny but that visual isn't compelling to get me to sleep with him. Some men just don't get it right. Besides, I have Mr. Big now. He just wrote from his country :O) I miss him alot and can't wait to see him....
Monday, May 03, 2004
Thank you Hookemup and Mr. Virtually in Love for your previous comments. In this blog world its so nice to see friends not afraid to voice their opinion. I consider you both good friends. I know both of you wish me the best and I thank you with all my heart. But, as I told M, I am staying at his side. Love can never be easy and you can't run away at the first sign of trouble. I beleive if you the two can stay together, then the relationship is meant to last. I want to be with him. If there is another woman in his life, well, so far I can say no there isn't. The only other women are his daughters. You have no idea how tough this is, but I'm going to follow through. Like I said before, I can feel his love, and he just said the magic words on the phone: I love you. I didn't need him to tell me, because I feel it, but it felt so damn special to hear it.
Life is also giving us the opportunity, because it looks like I will be working for the same company that he will be interning. What a coincidence?
I know each one of you who reads this may think many things about my decision. I don't censure any one of them, because many have past through my mind as well. I just need to be strong because I love him.
